The HDC, LB (Hudson’s Dirt Cheap,Long Beach) has a killer gorilla suit! Meaning, it’s like an awesome suit that looks EXACTLY like a regular gorilla (just like the “real” ones they used on all the old TV shows such as Gilligan’s Island and the Beverly Hillbillies) , not a homicidal one, but I guess you could dress it up however you wanted once you bought it and brought it home, so you COULD choose to just be an attractive, yet uninteresting and ordinary gorilla, OR you could be Something Amazing That No One Will Ever Forget Even If You Don’t Win A Prize Or Anything! Pull out your imagination this year and show ’em all what you GOT! Here are a few ideas just to get your brainstorm churning: Ballerina Barbie Gorilla, G.I. Joe Gorilla, Harry Potter Gorilla, Nearly Headless Gorilla, Bride Gorilla, Classic Vampire Gorilla, simple Charlie Brown “Ghost made by draping an old white bed sheet over your head” Gorilla, or even (this one’s my personal favorite) Gorilla dressed as a Sock Monkey!
Alibi on the Go
Keep an ant or 3 in an old medicine bottle (poke a tinier than they are hole in the lid, maybe throw an occasional crumb in there because your alibi absolutely depends on the ants being alive when you need them). I really don’t know much (anything, really) about caring for ants-I have spent considerable amounts of time and money on plotting their annihilation from my house, yard, car, etc. So, it’s entirely possible they may need a little water, as well. To be absolutely honest, I don’t even have a clue how long the average ant’s life cycle is, and thus how often you would need to replace your alibi. If I were you, I would back away from the computer right now, and put my geekiest friend in charge of deleting my browser history. This was SUCH a good idea when it started…
Now, for the ALIBI itself:
In case of minor troubles such as speeding tickets, witnessed “rolling” stops, or even injury-less fender benders, once you are safely off the road, just reach over and grab an ant or 3, and casually place them on your skin at approximately ankle level. Explain that you were distracted by the sudden severe pain of “something biting” you! There should be at least one visible ant bite by the time you have to show this. But, even if there isn’t, you will probably be able to pick an ant or 3 off of yourself to demonstrate that your story was indeed true. Wow, if only I’d use my powers for good instead of planning believable ways to get out of speeding tickets!
P.S. Disclaimer: Unless you get pulled over with some frequency, the care and upkeep of your alibi may prove to be less time and cost-effective than a radar detector for your vehicle. Also, are you sure you’re not allergic to ant venom? You may need to keep the Official Alibi on the Go Kit with you at all times, complete with epinephrine injector pen and Benadryl.
P.P.S. Maybe I’m intruding here, but why are you reading this? Maybe your time would be better spent practicing your driving skills, or enrolling in an accredited driver safety course.
Be safe and good luck, whatever you decide!
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